Facing fears and finding me…

The past few days I have spent some time reflecting on my weight-loss/health/fitness journey. And while reflecting on this journey is something I tend to do regularly, I have been extra reflective as I get ready to write down my 2016 goals. Adding to that, a good friend recently asked me for some weight-loss tips the other day which really got me thinking. . .

This was the very first honest post I wrote about my weight and my struggles. I wrote it on January 23, 2012 and I remember this night vividly. We had just returned home from Iowa after sending our youngest off to Oman to study abroad. I had looked at the going away pictures. I remember consciously trying to stand in a way that would make me look not as large as I was when we were taking the pics. Those pics were my tipping point. My surrender. Later that night I sat down to write this after I ordered my scale. Again, thank God for Amazon one-click or I may have chickened out. I am also not sure where I found the courage to hit the publish button that night. . . but I did. Facing your fears and owning your story, is the most empowering and freeing thing I have ever done in my life. Happy New Year. May you find yourself and be free.

Hangin' by a Thread



Part of truly being yourself is owning your story. Today, I’m owning a pretty big part of mine…


I did something today that absolutely T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D me, something I have avoided- successfully or not, depending upon how you look at it- for years. My heart is still pounding a bit, but thanks to one-click shopping at Amazon.com I didn’t have time to stop and think before I tossed it into my virtual cart. Boom, it was done. No going back. I had to face this once and for all.

Anti-climactic, I know, but the big, scary thing I did was order a digital scale, something I haven’t owned for years. For many people, hopping on the scale is not a big deal, but, as a person that has battled an eating disorder for a good share of my 40 plus years, the thought of owning and stepping on a scale is…

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Reflections on a 100-plus day run streak

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Me! After my 100th day run!

I’ve been streaking now for 100 118 days. . . (I fully intended to finish this on day 100 but fell asleep while writing. Over two weeks later, I am finally getting back to it.)

Inspired by the Runner’s World Magazine’s challenge (http://www.runnersworld.com/tag/rwrunstreak) to “run at least one mile per day, every day, from Memorial Day to Independence Day” (40 consecutive days of running), I set out on my streak journey on May 26, 2014. Those 40 days flew by, and before I knew it, Independence Day had come and gone. I am not sure when or why, but at some point I made the decision to keep streaking until I could streak no more. Here I am, 118 days later, still going strong.

As I was on my 100th-day run, I reflected upon my streaking journey. Even though I hadn’t thought about it much, I suddenly became very aware that I had grown as a runner over the last few months (for somebody that struggled to run a mile just over two short years ago, this is a pretty big deal) but even more so, I had grown as a person (for somebody that works hard at being a better human, this is even a bigger deal.) Despite the difficulties of this streak, I am so completely grateful for every step, both literally and figuratively, of the journey so far.

Here are a just few of the realizations I’ve had about the last few months. . .

   1.  I have gained the confidence to run in shorts, in public, in front of people. As a former overweight, eating-disordered person with body image issues, I cannot explain to you in this short blog what this means to me. The funny thing is, I don’t weigh much less than I did last shorts season but the confidence I have gained from running every day has given me the courage to run in shorts and more importantly, to be totally okay with however I look or wherever I jiggle. Perhaps though, most importantly, is the fact that somewhere over those 100 days I finally gave up being concerned about what others might think of my less than perfect, bright white, jiggly legs, and I just run. I just run! For a person like me, this kind of freedom is incredible.

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That’s me, in the green shirt and hat, with the bright white legs, (incidentally, I am the tannest I have ever been! other redheads get this) excitedly waiting for my awesome Ragnar teammate to hand-off. At one time in my life, this picture would have mortified me. Thankfully, those days are behind me.

 2.  Running every day has made me mental rockstar. There are some of you reading this that know EXACTLY what I mean when I say this. Even though there are days that I only run for a mile, the discipline of getting out there–regardless of what is going on in my head or my heart–forces my mental muscles to do work. And we all know what happens when we do work, we get stronger. Some days I use every ounce of mental muscle that I have just to just physically get through my run and other days I use my run time to reflect, plan, create, grieve, pray, give thanks, and gain focus. Then, there are some days when I just let my mind run free and I focus on soaking up every drop of beauty surrounding me. A couple of weeks ago, I even ran through a full-blown, grief-fueled anxiety attack. 4.7 miles later I was feeling fine and was grateful for the ability to overcome. (More on that run at a later date.) Being a mental rockstar doesn’t mean I don’t have struggles–because obviously I do have big ones–but having the mental capacity to deal with them and still thrive is something that I cherish.

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The wildflowers on the trails this year have been absolutely breathtaking. My favorites are the less than perfect ones–ones that despite their imperfections, still stand tall and proud–like these beauties here. Some days when running I soak up every single ounce of beauty surrounding me. Being in nature clears my head and soothes my soul.

3.  Running every day has made me physically stronger. I suppose that almost goes without saying right? That moving every day would make a person stronger? I am not the fastest or lightest on my feet but I can move for hours when I need to. Knowing this gives me the confidence to tackle physical challenges that I wouldn’t have previously. Which leads me to the next thing. . .

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Me, earlier this summer, standing at the top of one of the hills in one of my favorite places to run. At one time, I couldn’t make it to this point in the trail without stopping several times to gasp for air. Now? I can run to this point, without stopping, a feat I never thought possible.

4.  Running every day has given me the confidence to tackle physical challenges that I wouldn’t have had the courage to say yes to previously. Case in point. . .Ragnar. It has been just over a month since I had the amazing experience of being part of a Ragnar team. (In a nutshell, we relay ran 204 miles over two days.) I got the call to join when a last minute vacancy came up on a team of local runners, most of whom I did not know. Even though I was extremely nervous, hadn’t been training for the running I would need to do, and had a desperate need not to let a team full of strangers down, I still knew that I could do it. I had been logging the miles and had the mental strength to complete the challenge which enabled me to muster the courage to say yes. I am happy to report it was one of the very best yesses I have uttered. (More on this awesome, life-changing journey at a later date as well.)

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This is the amazing Ragnar team that I am SO completely grateful to have been part of! You get to know people very quickly when stuck in a van with them for 36+ hours. I woke up the day after, clean and comfy in my own bed, wishing I was back in the van. Yep, it was that good. Can’t wait to do it again. RUSTY NUTS, WE ROCK!

5.  Running every day has given me the opportunity to get to know my body well. I have learned when I can keep pushing myself and when I need to back off. I have learned when to step up the miles and when to ease off. I have learned how to hydrate and fuel my body for longer runs and have learned that I won’t die without water on the shorter ones. I have learned that some days my body feels like I’m young and other days, it feels like what I imagine it would feel like to be really old. Some days I feel like it’s my first day running, and other days, my I feel like I could go on forever. Every time I run, I learn something new about my body and its capabilities. Knowing my body’s strengths and weaknesses is empowering.

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Here I am with my beautiful Aunt Lori, who also happens to be one of the people that inspired me to start running in the first place. She got to join me in a hometown race this summer. It was during this race that I FINALLY was able to achieve my goal of breaking 30 minutes for a 5k. Running every day gave me the strength to push myself to do better than I had ever done before.

Although this journey has had many challenges so far, and despite the fact that I can procrastinate a run for hours (for instance, I have been dragging out the writing of this all morning), I have yet to regret a single run. EVER. Besides. . .the benefits have far outweighed the challenges. As of now, I have no plans to stop streaking. I guess I’ll know when the time has come, but until that day is upon me, I plan to make the most of every single mile and give thanks every step of the way. And now, I’m off to run. . .