I had an “aha” moment a few minutes ago. If I wasn’t on 1000% complete emotional autopilot right now, I am certain I would have had an emotional breakdown. You know, one of those meltdowns where you are literally coming apart at the seams in an emotional tornado of shame and joy at the same time? Do you have those? Do you know what I mean? Anyways. . .
I was busy loading up my first bag full of goodies to bring to Africa next week. I had just packed a huge duffle full of pretty little pillowcase sundresses, blankets, and stuffed animals. I was SURE it weighed more than the allowed 50 pounds but decided to zip it up and hop on the scale anyways. 44 pounds only! Wow, I am good. I could shove a few more stuffed animals in there and still be underweight. I crammed a few more in and hopped back on the scale. 49 pounds! Perfect!
Then, suddenly, in one of those ton-of-bricks-light-bulb-moments, it hit me like a 2 x 4 upside the head. It was just over a year ago that I weighed nearly 20 pounds more than I did standing on the scale right now AND I was holding a 49 pound bag.
I thought of how heavy that bag was in my arms. I thought of how my body–my joints, my muscles, and my bones–must have felt under the crushing weight of my past. I thought of the aches and pains that I once had that had now vanished. My body–and my spirit–were now so much lighter.
Then, in a flurry of emotions, I suddenly became completely ashamed that I had allowed my weight to get so out of control in the first place. That shame, thank goodness, was quickly replaced by a genuine burst of joy that my body was no longer under the tremendous burden of all that excess baggage. In one fleeting moment, every food morsel I have journaled, calorie I have counted, and mile I have ran suddenly became SO VERY WORTH IT. In that fleeting moment I was reminded that hard work ALWAYS pays off and that you should never give up on a healing journey, no matter how tough the road gets.
Even though I am still quite a few pounds from my goal weight, I know in my heart that I will eventually get there. Until then, I will be thankful for where I am now and when I’m struggling, I’ll look back on this moment and remember how far I have come on this journey. My body, my spirit, finally free from that excess baggage of my past. . .